My Immortal Commentary
by TeamAlucard
Summary: My take on perhaps the most twisted fanfiction ever to come out of anyone's mind, anywhere, ever. This is SIMPLY A COMMENTARY, and I in no way wrote this or collaborated on it AT ALL. M for swearing. I hope you like it! :D
1. Chapter 1

**Hello, TeamAlucard here (cause Edward's not a Vampire, he's a fairy!)! I just wanted to remind everyone that before you read this fanfiction, IT IS NOT MINE. It was written by some other poor unfortunate soul, who evidently had waay too much time on their hands, and used it for evil instead of good. I also know that lots of other people have done this same thing, so if any of the content is similar, please know that I'm not trying to copy anyone. So without further Adieu, Sit back and enjoy my thoughts on this terrible twisted story...**

**P.S, my comments and thoughts are BOLDED**

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) **Wow, I'm already sort of annoyed **2 my gf (ew not in that way) **you said, it not us...** raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX! **_And _down the rabbit hole we go...**

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness ***Twith twitch* Unnecessary commas *twitch twitch* **Dementia ***Head-desk***Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears **_She's _not a Mary Sue in anyway... and doesn't limpid mean clear? ADJECTIVE FAIL.**and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!) **with pleasure**. I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie **An incest shipper, eh?**. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England **SCOTLAND **where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black **Wait- I thought you said you were "Goffik"? Now I'm just confused...**. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining **Multitasking! **so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them **You are just a gem, aren't you?**.

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was... Draco Malfoy! **Le GASP**

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly. **"Draco" and "Shy" are two words that I've decided should never go together. =_=||| **

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. **Well, that was anticlimactic.**

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz! **DO NOT WANT. **

**Hey guys. So that was the first chapter. Sorry if you were confused there for a second, I accidentally published it without adding my commentary first. Either way, here it is, fixed up and shiny, and I hope you like it. If not, feel free to go off and enjoy another fanfiction somewhere over the rainbow. Auf wiedersehen! **


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi again, here's chapter 2! It's probably even worse that the last one if you know what I mean... 0.o**

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><p>AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok! <strong>Okkaaayy... <strong>

The next day I woke up in my bedroom **as opposed to the kitchen?**. It was snowing and raining again **God's on crack! (wow, sorry if that was really offensive to anyone. I'm religious, so I'll make some religious jokes here. Just be prepared okay?)**. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends **well, if you have to sleep in a coffin, why not pimp it out? **. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) **I have a sneaking suspicious that A) Raven does not exist, or B) The real Raven would REALLY prefer not to be mentioned as much as she is in this. I'm gonna go with A. **woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. **Hopefully, not necessarily in that order. **She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly. **Is she saying "O.M.F.G", "Oh my f*cking God", or "Ommmffffgg"?**

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. **Geez, touchy...**

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily.

"Guess what." he said. **Not a question, a statement.**

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" **Well, at least we know what she said that time. **I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

"Well... do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped. **THE EPIC CLIFFHANGER OF HOLY FAIL.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 2 UP! <strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**I'm Back! Here's chapter 3, for all your enjoyment and eye-clawing!**

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><p>AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte. <strong>God, it's like she's texting on crack!<strong>

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. **She's overly-descriptive at the most pointless times. No one cares (what's her name? Some sort of mental illness right? Is it Alzheimers? is wearing in _that much detail._** I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists **I love how casual she is about her mild suicide attempts!**. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding **what did you do to the book to make it bleed? **and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert. **Where are the teachers, and the dress codes, and the-the... the _morals?_**

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!) - **That was so garbled, I'm not even sure what it says...**

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. **Note to Tara (the author of this giant steaming pile of demon feces): Exclamation points don't generally = depression.**

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666 **random tidbit**) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs **Wow, you're so inspirational. You should teach to children.** When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte **That is how losers mosh. You couldn't handle a real mosh pit. **

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood They're all so happy you've arrived The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song). **We know. We know.**

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Draco looked sad. **Yeah, nothing like talking about the f*ck-ability of other guys when you're on a date. e_e**

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective. **Why is Draco being such a pansy? **

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. **Do you even know who Hilary Duff is?**

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into... **a cliff, and we both died. The end. **the Forbidden Forest! **Damnit.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 4 up! <strong>


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4. Another 10 minutes spend reading, getting pissed, laughing, and then writing a commentary. I have no regrets. :)**

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><p>AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY nut mary su OK! <strong>Oh, it's "Enoby" now? <strong>DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent ***cough* GAY *cough* Woah, sorry about that. Must be catching a cold**! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?" **Driving under the Influence!**

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. **They never said he landed it... is he dead? Did his plummet to his doom? **I walked out of it too, curiously. **Awww... *disappointment***

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily. **B*tch...**

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness **like "mwahahahah" evil? or "I'm a gay emo, who wants to die" evil? **and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.

And then... suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly **ADVERB FAIL. (I'm going to keep pointing out these especially bad ones.) **against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. **That's just... wrong. I felt like I was reading a porno written by a 5 year old. *shudders***

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then... **THE SUSPENSE-**

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was...Dumbledore!** LSHIFOMD,JKIDHAD,BIID,INIW! (For those of you who don't know, that's: "Laughing so hard I fell off my dinosaur, just kidding I don't have a dinosaur, but if I did, I'd name it Wilbur!) **

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><p><strong>Chapter 4 UP<strong>


	5. Chapter 5

**Hola Hola! This is chapter 5 of the Horrendous Fanfiction "My Immortal"... only with a commentary by ME :D**

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><p>AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! <strong>Musta been a b*chin headache. <strong>PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws! **Vun review- ah ah ah... Two reviews- ah ah ah... Three reviews- ah ah ah (if you can't tell, this is my Count impression, from Sesame Street.)**

Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted. **That's a good insult :D**

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. **You might want to have that looked at. **Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" **YES.** asked Professor McGonagall.

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" **Sure...**

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. **Nobody Cares what you're wearing to bed. Nobody. You'll just drool on it anyway. |:( **When I came out...

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing "I just wanna live" by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.

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><p><strong>Chapter 5 UP. Sorry about this chapter, readers. I was feeling kind of stumped at what to write, even though it's a good scene. If I think of something better, I'll come back and change it. :3<strong>


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